FH5, Series 23, Week 1

Stick red-hot, rotating forks in your legs and pour acid all over them.

Another series that immediately forces you into a Horizon story, but let’s get on with the actual business of the game.

The treasure hunt began well in that not a single traffic car spawned until I went to the Street Scene Festival site, exited it, and got the usual line of cars heading west. I traded paint with about four of them before the job was complete. Was it meant to be like that or was that an error?

The weekly challenge was in a 2015 Dodge, but as they all look the same and have the same names, I got in the wrong one and then in the right one. None of the tasks were that difficult apart from taking a picture of the car as I was driving along. You probably know that when you take a picture as you’re driving, the action freezes and you take your snap. This time, the car kept going. I should’ve stopped, but I managed to complete that task before the car vanished out of sight.

The SWS from the danger sign was mixed. I did the drift zone incompetently and got a rubbish SWS (serves me right). I somehow managed to PB that bloody awful trailblazer in Guanajuato in the Koenigsegg CCGT, and the SWS shat in my face.

The weekly picture unlocked a stupid American hat. Time well spent.

I chose the Lotus Elan for And now, the Classics because the car was the reward for the other seasonal (which seemed to be a hint). This was D500 Street Scene (scream!!), although it went well enough. The reward was a 1969 Camaro. Oh, great, more lard for the garage.

It’s almost as if there must be at least one seasonal on the main map or the expansions which is B700 Modern Rally. My Lancer Evo VIII was ready to go yet again in Scrambling for more. I got a good wheel spin from La Selva that was probably worth more than the first two SWSs from the PR stunts. I don’t want another Lotus Elan, though. One is enough.

Horizon Open was back. I’ve had huge issues with the connection in free roam for weeks and weeks, but I clicked on the tile, and joined a session almost immediately.

The Eventlab tiles were dead again. No text and the usual message about them not being downloaded. I dl’ed 12 painful Gb a couple of days ago. So I exited from the game and restarted the laptop etc. The Arco Raceway was all right, It’s a pity that it’s not possible to lay down racing-grade tracks. The reward was a BMW M1. I might’ve driven it in FH5, but can’t recall. Dreadful-looking car. Circuito de Los Pinos was a bit bumpy in places, but cut from much the same cloth as the preceding Eventlab event. I got a second McLaren P1 from the SWS.

It was, of course, time for Rivals, which was RWD pain round Mulegé and the Cathedral Circuit, although I survived both in spite of adverse circumstances.

And this afternoon it was time finish off the rest, although I’ll leave the new story, Maximum Irritation and Psychological Torment, until I’ve dealt with the expansion.

I PB’ed the HW PR stunt somehow and got an SWS that was one third-good and two-thirds rubbish.

I was a contrary boy with the seasonal, Dragon’s Quest, because I started with my S1 896 McLaren 570S, switched to my S1 900 620R for the second race, and into my S1 900 570S for the last race. Nice cars. I like my McLarens, but am baffled as to why the reward would be a Buick GSX. Perhaps they have a similar reputation for reliability to McLaren.

I also PB’ed the PR stunt in Sierra Nueva by doing a little off-roading in the Jesko.

Twists and Turns was awful. More B-class races on routes that are all technical and nothing else. I chose the Scirocco because it’s a decent car and because with some trickery, you can at least stick rally tyres on it. It’s courses like these that put me off Sierra Nueva. It also makes me wonder whether Japan might be the locale for Horizon 6 because I assume a lot of road there are twisty as buggery. Anyway, the reward was a pair of trousers. Gods!

This leaves the HA which, I predict, will remain impossible to do because apart from very brief moments at irrelevant points in time, I’m disconnected in free roam more often than not. I may have seen other players twice in about a month or more, and often when it appears that I’m properly online, it’s short lived. It is possible that sometime during week 1, I’ll see an HA, but the odds are against it.

Anyway, back to the Horizon Story, Icons of Speed, which was another manifestation of the Demon of Pain. First, you got made to drive some stodgy old Supra without so much as a by-your-leave.

Chapter 2, History 101, was driving a Napier Railton (looks good; drives like a drunk Mancunian) across a beach. The task seemed to be to hit some impossible speed, but I noticed on my second attempt that there seemed to be some scripting kicking in as an assist because the car suddenly sped up when it seemed there was no chance of reaching the target. Task done… No, you had to drive to some destination further along the beach. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Very indicative of most of what was to come.

Chapter 3, Hot Rod Time Machine, forced you to drive some ancient American RWD banger to some destination where you were forced to drive its overpowered, modern version. For the second part of the task, I took shortcuts as I desperately struggled to keep the car under some sort of control. If you’ve not done this yet, switch all the assists on. All of them. I doubt whether anyone at PGG even tried this on a keyboard. E is for everyone who plays this on an xbox and uses a controller. The gaming experience should be equal, but this wasn’t.

In Chapter 4, Come with me if you want to race, I thought I’d go cross country. Wrong. You need to stick to the road or the drivatar outruns you. This was a less painful chapter.

Chapter 5, One thing after Another, was also less painful, but the run in the F40 is quite long, and you won’t hit the required speed until you get onto the bridge.

Chapter 6, Past Midnight, was more increasingly undrivable shite. The first Supra was bad enough, but the overbuffed version was awful, with the gearing being especially painful and the engine noise being offensive. I managed to complete the second part in 47 seconds by ducking to the left of the tree as you approach the bridge.

Chapter 7, Pressure and Time, threw you into the Hennessey Venom F5, which is so terrible that even a drivetrain swap doesn’t help. Actually, I realised that like the Napier Railton, the game gets the car up to speed for you because it’s so difficult to get the car off the line without it spinning round like a demented housefly.

Chapter 8, A Race for the Ages, put the player in the Nevera and was a drive-to-the-destination task on dreadful tyres, accompanied by annoying music that no doubt appeals to the modern yoof.

And all this was for some grossly overpowered Hennessey Camaro. Looks quite good and only good for pirouettes.

If you managed to read this far, I’ll repeat what I said above for this exercise in demonic torment – switch on every assist in sight. Which is what I ought to have done.