Occasional Tales

 I guessed that the treasure was to be found in the north corner of the spaceport. I was right. First time in ages. I needed to do Aston Martin Nights to get the DB5. I used the DB7. Festival Chase was awful in cockpit view with all the spray coming off the road, Matsumi Climb switched to daylight, but the additional traffic didn’t actually affect the race ’cos it was way easier to see. Shimanoyama Charge was a repeat of the preceding race, but at night. And then I was able to do the weekly except I upgraded the car before leaving my house, which meant I had to do a drivetrain swap to spend CR20,000 on the car, leave the house, and return to undo all of it. A couple of Street Scene races. Gods! An HSP interrupted this, but this week I jumped on it, and then one-shotted the SZ task. And as I was in the DB5, this was also a good opportunity to deal with the photo to acquire yet another stupid phrase that no sane adult would ever utter. Rally on Dirt was B-class total rally, but ...

We start with the weekly in the Alfa Romeo 4C. Why did we have to do a drag meet? What does this car have to do with drag races? (As Alcuin might’ve asked under the right circumstances.) The rest was the usual sort of stuff. The photo at the golf course wasn’t just a matter of taking a pic of the Maserati Ghibli. It seems that the car had to be on a green with sand traps in view. Or something like that. The collectibles are easily collected by driving from one end of Ine to the other. Rally Up and Go! saw the return of low-spec modern rally cars, but was für ein Laugh – cross-country racing. Wind Farm and Soni Highlands were awful with their jumps, one of which flipped me, and on the second attempt, I let the car flop over, thus offering the drivatars the chance to overtake me. I didn’t need the 4C, of course, as I’d already got one. Scenic Scrambles was another seriously?! moment. Super saloons doing dirt racing. Perhaps it’s a thing. I whipped out my… – steady, ladies – 2018 Au...

The treasure is to be found in the far north-east of the map next to a chalet on a straight-ish bit of road. I wonder how many players ever go into the north of the map in free roam and how many only ever go there for a specific purpose. I mostly only ever pass through that region when I’m doing the Goliath. The weekly was in the Lancer Evo VI. Three laps of Sekibe got me into the top 10%. The SZ was annoying because you had to three-star it, not just get three stars across multiple attempts. I added another stupid phrase to my limited in-game vocabulary from taking a photo of a rally monster from the 2000s. B-class modern rally has reared its ugly head again in Stray from the Path , but this time in cross country races. Seriously? Who in their right mind would use a rally car in a CC race? But wait, dear reader, there’s more because I’d only just been doing Snow Forest and Oka yesterday. See below. Naruo CC struck me as being unreasonably wide. The Honda NSX-R GT was an absolute m...

I started with the weekly in the 2020 BMW M2. Not my favourite version of the car in FH5 as I preferred the 2016 model. That was all straightforward. I followed the weekly up with the picture of the car in the baseball stadium. In my hunt for vending machines to smash for the collectibles task, I found three alongside each other. Easy win, I thought until it became apparent that I’d managed to find the three indestructible machines in Tokyo. For the DS I used the Honda Trophy Truck, which rather neatly dropped down a class when I added snow tyres, although it took several attempts to get it all quite right. I one-shotted the SZ in the 2011 GT-R Black Edition (stock, I think). One very good wheel spin, a car (the Audi RS4 Avant), and two rubbish wheel spins. Let’s see, Be a Good Sport . Street Scene. Scream! By the way, Tokyo City Docks Charge isn’t a charge. It’s mostly wriggling and wiggling. When in Roma featured two sprint races, Oh joy. Oh, hang on, I can change the level of diff...

Treasure hunt. Drive ugly, fake Mustang from the 1990s. Win CR90,000. Oh, ha ha. Rivals. Subaru SVX round Emerald Circuit . Horrible gears stock. Then Chihuahua in the Soarer. Horrible gears and terrible handling. Both cars about as exciting as cold spam fritters on a grey Sunday morning. Weekly in the Ferrari F50. This is a car I like, but I think I need to rebuild it. No probs with the various tasks. I took a snap of the 22B-STi. I got some ghastly clothing that makes me look like one of those poor unfortunates outside shops handing out flyers or scaring small children in a vain attempt to seem cuddly. I did the Eliminator. Even got to 11th before someone provided me with the keys to my freedom. I think I might add this to my list of things to shun. Actually, I almost got timed out when I wandered into Guanajuato looking for a car drop, and the barrier went whizzing past me. I started the PR stunts in the Elise GT1, but switched to the overpowered Cerbera. I eventually managed to PB...

The treasure hunt was a picture of a car with the big pyramid in Teotihuacán in the background. This week the treasure was at the end of the off ramp from the upper part of the maze into which I hop I’ve indifferently ventured for the final time. I haven’t driven the Jaguar E-Type in ages, but the tasks were straightforward. I one-shotted the speed trap in the sketchy Monza SP2. Two-thirds good SWS. The speed zone was as ever an enormous, time-wasting, sodding pain in the arse. I tried various cars, but as usual the real issue was that last short turn which I was forever 1kmh off until randomly, the Forza gods permitted my F50 (S1 878) to attain the necessary speed. One-third very good SWS, but that’s hardly compensation for the amount of time it took. Eventlab (1). Green Plains Motor Raceway was a good-sized, old-style circuit with a nice, sweeping layout. None of the frequent 2nd gear/3rd gear stuff we’ve seen in other Eventlab races. One-third very good SWS, and one-third good. Eve...

With the return of the academic year I’m probably not going to be posting entries till sometime on Saturdays. I have a fair amount of time on Friday between lunchtime and my return to school to get much of the Festival playlist done, but I also have P1 and P10 classes and on some occasions, am likely to prefer a nap. The treasure hunt, as I discovered, wanted you to add a new part to your Ford Focus. I tried adding a part I’d already bought, but the game was having none of it. But in reality, I assume that this was another attempt to force players to use the Test Track which, I feel, has nothing practical to offer. I ended up doing a wreckage HA because there was one near the location of the treasure chest. The weekly was in the Alfa Romeo Giulia. Job done, but drag racing and drifting? The Audi S1 had no problems with the speed zones. I switched to the 2012 Mini JCW for the Trailblazer because in testing it had no problems hitting the target time and then some. What happened? I kept ...

I started this series last night, which meant that today’s MS outrage… sorry, general MS outage didn’t inconvenience me quite as much as it might’ve if I’d waited till today to deal with the Festival playlist. In accordance with long established traditions, I began with the treasure hunt, driving over some bumpy terrain north of Playa Azul to randomly complete the challenge. The weekly was in the Honda S2000 CR. It included the Volcán Sprint , which was also in the Up to Grade seasonal. Did no one at PGG notice this reduplication? I one-shotted the Coast View speed trap from the north, just picking up enough speed without taking too long of a run-up. As I predicted, I was too slow to be able to complete Océano Azul from the north, but had no problems starting from the main Festival site. The two SWSs were one-third good. One-shotted Punta Allen from the south and got a rubbish SWS. I dealt with the HA and the picture beside the statue. The latter got me yet another ridiculous outf...

Yes, I’m back from my hols. They seemed all too short as the missus will attest. I painted my Pagani. I went to the drowned church. I found treasure. We had to drive the Saleen S1 for the weekly challenge, a car I’ve done almost nothing with ever. No real problems doing the challenges. I assume I’ll drive the car again when they recycle this weekly. I got the HA in early. Some drifting. Less bungling than of late. I did the usual cheat with the speed trap on the bridge outside Mulegé by barrelling down the hill. The SWS was rubbish. The trailblazer was a colossal pain i’ th’ arse mainly because of the stones at the top are difficult to spot even when I’m using chase cam. I know there’s a path through the trees to the finish, although it’s easy to miss. I ended up in the FE Fairlady (or whatever it is), the off-roader, and got it done by a decent margin. However, this is a PR stunt which wastes time for an SWS that was one-third very good. I got my idiot reward of the week by photograph...

Another week and no treasure hunt. Will you people show no mercy? How many puppies and kittens must I sacrifice in dark rites? How many widows and orphans must I cast into the snow to appease PGG? The weekly in the Ferrari F355 was a doddle. No problems. Once again, I’d practised the PR stunts and knew that the 1980 Countach could smash both without any issues. I didn’t quite beat my best practice time for the trailblazer, but it wasn’t one of those occasions when I randomly complete the task after 37 horribly disastrous minutes and 370 horribly disastrous tries. Eventlab (1). Aztec My Chances . I opted for the Nissan Fairlady because I thought this might be a dirt track. The main problem was the scale, which felt a little too small. The layout was all right, but the overall track was too compact. Eventlab (2). Le Capitaine . Again, expected dirt, didn’t get dirt. The Renault 5 Turbo did a decent job. The layout wasn’t, I thought, terrible, but scaling in the technical sections felt a ...

A couple of near misses got the treasure hunt done in about ten seconds. I wasn’t even trying. The weekly in the 1992 Honda NSX passed without any real issues. I had to do an engine swap for the CR20,000 worth of upgrades, but left it alone and got six stars in speed zones in two attempts (Punta Allen). I did the PR stunts early because I was waiting for the timer on an HA to count down. I knew the stock 1987 Pontiac Trans Am could do the stunts. The only bother was the speed zone because I kept having issues with that nuisance of a right-hander, but knew that the car could hit the right speed after that point. The SWSs were two-thirds good, absolute rubbish, and one-third good. And the HA was done after that. I was going to do the drift one, but another player turned up and I didn’t want to find myself doing all the work. I switched to the wreckage HA, and then other people turned up. Possibly newbies because I kept fast travelling and doing a goodly share of the graft before anyone e...

I thought I was going to have problems with the treasure hunt because I’ve probably done S1-class rivals in every road race on the main map and didn’t fancy trying to get the Lotus 2-Eleven to do the job until I realised that I’ve never done rivals in Street Scene. As practice for the seasonal, I did Ruta Norte in a clean time and got a decent reward. I also got a crap wheel spin as well. I mustn’t have driven my McLaren P1 in ages because the tuning was decidedly antiquated, but I managed to get through all the tasks in this week’s weekly without any bother. I also did the HA along with some other people who actually contributed to it. Eventlab (1) was Italia 458 Race Track . Mostly decent track but completely flat. Not helped by the race being set at night, which meant that the tyre bundles tended to vanish into the gloom, making some of the corners tricky to negotiate. The SWS was rubbish. Eventlab (2). Green River GP . I raced in the Porsche Carrera GT for this one. A decent circu...

Min is about to meet Max. Probably. The treasure hunt seemed to be a matter of smashing things up in the golf course in a Golf. The game then randomly informs you that you’ve achieved this feat. The weekly was in the Sagaris, which is a car I like, although I confess that I drive it less often in FH5 than I do in FH4. I managed to do the speed trap task in two goes in a stock car. We also had to do a Street Scene race. Oh joy. Eventlab (1), Kerb your Braking! had to be on Eventlab Island (“The flattest place on Earth!”) in the dark. Actually, it’s not a bad circuit, but I didn’t need the silly kerbs. Eventlab (2), Horizon Festival Loop was a tedious ramble with some decent design elements. Also in the dark. This week we had to use Minis for the PR stunts. I started with the big, fat barge… What? Yes, I know. Yes, well, you can blame BMW for turning Minis into fat little barges. I started with that really bargey… bargy… barge-y… that big, fat red off-roader. It worked with La Mesa , b...

The weekly challenge was once again a straightforward process, and the Stratos is a decent cheese wedge to drive. I one-shotted all the PR stunts in the Peugeot T16. Two rubbish SWSs and one that was one-third all right. This was after two excellent wheel spins from the weekly. Eventlab (1). Ramen Autodromo . As I set off in this one, I noticed that this seemed to be a spaghetti track, but found myself pleasantly mistaken. The creator seems to understand curves, and this was a very flowing kind of circuit. It’s a pity there’s no way to properly smooth the joins between the pieces of track, though. Eventlab (2). Jardín Día . This, on the other hand, was an annoying spaghetti circuit. I’m surprised that we weren’t in hypercars or extreme track toys for even more larks. I decided to do Cult Legends to get the DS23 so that I could take a playlist photo of it. (In fact, I already had snaps of all the new cars because the game actually had them all spawning in races last week.) As for the c...

Two treasure hunts this week. I went fast in a Lancia Delta and got clean racing skills in a Jaguar Project 7. The weekly was in the Ferrari 512S. Again, no upgrades required. Eventlab (1). SS£-FCG – Outlaw Canyon . Nicely built map, but little more than a twisted circle. Annoying. Eventlab (2). Rally Finland . Apart from the checkpoint bug at the end, this was a good idea. A one-third good SWS. Completing this got me the GTA Spano, a car which I’ve barely ever driven in Horizon 4. You get the idea. Eventlab (3). The Round Table 1960s [TA]. I tried with the Mini Traveller. Attractively built circuit, but too bumpy, which made it rather like one of those HW races with the speed bumps – but worse. Eventlab (4). Desert Raceway . I picked the Dodge Viper SR10 ACR (or whatever it’s called; the 2008 model) for a 2nd-and-3rd-gear race. I just managed to avoid an accident at the crossover on the first lap. Having a sharp corner about 50m from the start is a dumb idea. Don’t. Too many of those...

In spite of exams this week and the horrors of marking, I’ve managed to get through the Festival playlist. Almost. Treasure hunt. I guessed that the best jump for the Isetta was off the volcano. Job done, but the chest had to be placed awkwardly for a lovely slice of slight irritation. The weekly was in the BMW M4 GTS. Be nice if there was an in-game manual explaining exactly what a Hard Charger skill is. Nope, I have no idea. Something to do with going fast off the line; something I achieve randomly. I wasn’t much impressed by the reappearance of the Ladera speed zone which so vexed everyone last week. I did it badly, but completed the task. I got a good wheel spin afterwards. Eventlab (1). Rabbit Raceway , was a twisty Hot Wheels track which merely succeeded in being another slice of annoying for the week. Too many fiddly turns and no banking. Eventlab (2). Touge Battle Vol. 3 . Drive down some narrow road. Pretend it’s fun. Get a one-third excellent SWS. PR stunts. It was another we...

The pain and the grind. I started with the weekly in the BAC Mono which went well. The photo was a repeat screening of the cave that’s roughly SSE of Ek’ Balam. Eventab (1). Laderas GP . Another good circuit. Didn’t quite have the polish of Pie de Volcán , but was an excellent choice. Eventlab (2). Ninja Marv Muddy Mangos . Silly name, but a decent enough rally circuit with some awkward corners. Rubbish SWS. Absolute donkey turd. Eventlab (3). GP Goyta Full . What in the name of the Forza gods was this sodding ridiculous thing?! The moment I saw S2-class extreme track toys, I knew that I was going to loathe it and I did. I assume that it’s a track where the kiddies can slam into each other, knock each other out of checkpoints, and vote each other capital fellows for being enormous plonkers. Not fun. And the prize was some ridiculous clothing, thus confirming my supposition of the target audience. I one-shotted the speed trap in the Nova, and then spent half an hour or so building and r...

As I discovered when I did the treasure hunt, the car had to specifically be a hot hatch, and I could do the jump in either direction. It was easier to jump down onto the slipway. But then I got multiple messages about solving the treasure hunt even after I’d been to the front garden of Lugar Tranquilo and claimed my treasure chest. The photo of the week was straightforward. Speaking of photos, I found there was a new car I hadn’t photographed. I thought I had the lot. The Eventlab tiles were broken again. It’s been awhile, but there was no text and clicking on them got the usual message about the content being unavailable. Worse than that, the folder where the Turn 10 Temp Scratch folder used to be seems to have vanished in W11. But when I got home this afternoon, the Eventlab events were live. Marchenhaft Bergpass was a decent circuit, but shame about the awful surface. Got a Mustang RTR Spec 5 out of it, so can’t complain. Tokyo Bay Drift was also good, with its NFS feel and one-t...