FH5, Series 38, Week 2

Yesterday was terrible. Migraine because I was forced to do something I didn’t want to do. The derailleur of my bike got twisted into the rear wheel, which rendered the whole thing inoperable. It rained heavily as I was walking home from the station. Then this morning some colossal arse decided that the best time for setting off fireworks was between half five and six. It’s small wonder that I’ve not been in the best frame of mind today.

I started with the treasure hunt in the Datsun 510. I did some jumps and got sent back to the stadium to get my reward. Again, #ForcedEngagement. I don’t care about the maze and don’t see the point of it.

The weekly was in the 1971 Plymouth Barracuda. I have three somehow and thought I’d do a 0.35 build with one of the new ones. Net result: a car that wasn’t a lot different from my A-class Barracuda. I made the mistake of doing Jungle Descent as the Street Scene race, because it starts in fog.

Eventlab (1). Circuit des Reines. I like the layout, but the road surface is bumpy and made out of the stuff that looks like chipboard or plywood painted grey and sprinkled with sand. The SWS was complete, utter and total rubbish.

Eventlab (2). Close & Technical //Street//. This ticked all the wrong boxes: Wet ✓ Dark ✓ Foggy ✓ Unclear route ✓ Stupid route ✓ One-third good SWS.

Took a couple of goes to get the danger sign because it’s one of those jumps where the car jumps thumps down to the ground rather than soars through the air. I reduced the aero and glided like a flatulent pterodactyl to a one-third good SWS. On the basis of the last occasion, I did a short run-up to the speed trap. Job done for an absolutely rubbish SWS.

The statuette for the picture at the hotel is hidden behind the golf carts. I got a stupid phrase.

History Lesson was a sign of things to come. B-class cars from the 1960s, dirt racing. I opted for a proper rally car, the 1967 Escort Mk I. The drivatars did an Anything Goes, somehow being bafflingly good in the least suitable cars for such a race series. Again, this sort of thing turns FH5 into an annoying travesty of a racing game.

But the theme of inappropriateness continued in Right on the Money, which was cross-country racing in cars that were worth CR100,000+ I thought the Alumi Craft Class 10 should be all right. The drivatars thought anything was all right no matter how unsuited it was to this sort of racing, but the Extreme E was the car you were clearly supposed to use and I switched to that one. The races had to include the awful Festival Cross Country (which is a drivatar cheatfest). The Extreme E turned out to be the right tool for the job. Third KTM X-Bow? Probably.

I vacillated a little between the Hammer Wagon and the 500E for Benz and Curve, but went with the latter. All the races in this series were in the wet. I shrieked in such utter delight that I split a typhoon in half. Cloverleaf went just as I feared with the drivatars suddenly finding 3rd gear on the run to the finish line.

I got the HA out of the way and then did Horizon Open where I randomly ended up doing Street Scene. I got knocked out of a checkpoint in Coast Run, but managed to catch up to the rest of the field. I did for myself in Jungle Descent because the traffic herded me off to the right when I should’ve gone left. Doh! However, I managed not to come last. I was 3rd in Cruce del Valle because I was less incompetent than the other drivers. Well, less incompetent after being a knobhead in Jungle Descent.

The Trial didn’t start well for me, but it started predictably. As I was heading down to the right-hand turn across the bridge at the south-eastern end of Copper Canyon, I knew even well before I got there that I was going to slide sideways into oblivion; and that’s exactly what I did. All right, say it: “You utter plonker.” I restarted the Trial. Again, I was in last place on the grid. I came 2nd to William the drivatar and we got a team win. I noticed a couple of my teammates seemed rather confused, appearing to think the Trial was a matter of crashing into your teammates and ruining their chances. Onto Jungle Descent, where I was on the front row of the human grid. I managed a 2nd place because – no bonus points for guessing – I was better at cornering. I used a 2020 Toyota Supra with a tune by waznewz from some other occasion, but think I would’ve preferred my own tune and RWD.

The answer to the HW PR stunt was the Toyota Camry with somewhere in excess of 500hp. The SWS was one-third very good.

Against the Elements was another seasonal in A800 SUVs. I used my Porsche Macan even though these are really just road races with silly, infantile, vexatious, etc. impediments. The first two races were unfun, drivatar cheatfests.

I knew what to do for the RA PR stunt (i.e., drive along the riverbed again), but I just needed the right vehicle, which turned out to be the Toyota Baja Truck, although the tail drooped somewhat, and I feared the jump would fail. Instead I got a one-third very good SWS. Possibly this is the vehicle I should’ve used for the HW PR stunt.

Old Sport (C600, retro hot hatch) saw me in the 2004 Honda Civic Type R again, which was a sound choice in spite of the car having next to no tuning options. Yet another 2015 Audi RS6.

I had a play with the Lancer Evo III last week. It’s all right, but nothing special. Ditto the 2022 Subaru WRX, which looks like a Japanese super saloon with pretensions to dirt racing. It gets points for having tunable, 3rd-party aero. I took it round most of the scramble races in the game and found it to be a sound performer, but a little anodyne. These are the sort of cars you race against the drivatars once in a while or in Horizon Tour when the right sort of race turns up. You might experiment with them in the inevitable B700 modern rally seasonal.