The Nobodie Rules, Part II
Act II: The Nobodie Rules memo.
Scene i.
Mrs Nobodie: Well, the thing is that not only is George not compatible with Felix…
Dr Blur: Sibling rivalry at such a tender age.
Mrs Nobodie: …but he’s also got his own problems.
Dr Blur [laughing mirthlessly]: So much for the heir and the spare parts. As I said at the time, there was no guarantee of a match.
Mr Nobodie: That’s why we’re back. We want to guarantee that the next baby will be a match.
Mrs Nobodie: You read about it in the paper all the time.
Dr Blur: Look, I’m sorry that the new child was unsuitable, but it would be possible to do what you’re proposing. I’d have to put it before the Hospital Ethics Committee. Deliberately manufacturing a baby for spare parts might raise a few eyebrows.
Mrs Nobodie: So might plastic surgery, but no one objects to that.
[Fade out.]
Scene ii.
Dr Crippen: …and then I sewed him up good as new.
Omnes: Ha ha!
Dr Crippen: Now, shall we get down to business? The first matter is Mr and Mrs N. According to the notes, their first child has a degenerative disease of the optic nerve. They had a second child in the hope that it’d be a match, but was not; and now they want a third specifically designed to be compatible with the first so that they use it to guarantee a cure for the first.
Dr Curie: A pox on ze ’ole ’ouse! Modern genetics are not what zey used to be. [She looks contemptuous.]
Dr Crippen: You may want to hear what Dr Blur has to say first. “Mr and Mrs N gain as they have not only a third child but their first child is restored to good health.”
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: “The first child gains, as they can receive treatment.”
Omnes [murmuring]: Treatment. Treatment.
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: “The new child gains as, even if they are initially used for what is, in effect, an involuntary medical procedure on behalf of their other sibling, and even indeed if they are obliged in their future life to repeat the donations, or even if they feel a ‘second best’ child, created not entirely for their own selves… even if all this is true, they will still gain as the alternative is that they will simply not exist.”
[The committee members look puzzled, but bang their kidney dishes in approval.]
Dr Crippen: As Dr Blur adds, “A baby that does not exist has no value, no happiness or interests. So the new baby must always be better off.”
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Mengele: Mit ein little tveaking, I sink Blur’s memo should be made hospital policy.
Dr Burke: Seconded!
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: Uncle Angel, you’re looking puzzled.
Uncle Angel: Haven’t you overlooked one small fact? The new baby doesn’t even exist yet and is merely hypothetical. You’re assuming that any sort of existence must be better than non-existence; but just as a dead person is in no fit state to concern themselves with earthly matters, so no one who hasn’t yet been born is even aware of existence. Besides, for every successfully fertilised ovum, millions of sperm, all potential babies, pass into oblivion. By your reasoning, it would seem only fair that every one of them should’ve had the opportunity to take part in the creation of a life.
Dr Curie: But you ’ave forgotten all ze genetic defects of such irresponsible be’aviour. Dr Blur is proposing zat we create a genetically modified baby. Ze child will be very special.
Uncle Angel: Would you want to be special in that way?
Dr Curie: Well, no, but I am radioactive.
Dr Hare: And you’ve forgotten that the first child benefits.
Uncle Angel: No, not really. But unless the procedure involves non-invasive surgery, the new child would be constantly subject to operations which benefit it in no way whatsoever. And how to Mr and Mrs N gain by having a third child? The cost of the procedure to produce a designer baby, the operation to restore the eldest child’s sight, and the raising of children isn’t exactly cheap.
Dr Burke: But the hospital benefits. They win, we win.
Dr Mengele: Not to mention all ze academic papers, the conferences in exotic foreign locations, the prestige.
Dr Curie: Zat was a good film.
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Uncle Angel: And what about the second child which, I assume, was conceived by natural means? What sort of life will it have because it was a failed attempt to provide a cure for the first? I have to wonder to what extent we should interfere in natural processes. We know that the chance of a donor for the first child conceived and born naturally is slim, but shouldn’t these people accept that their first child will go blind, and though none of us would consider this desirable either for ourselves or for any children we might have, it’s natural.
Dr Crippen: We have the technology.
Dr Curie: We can rebuild ’im.
Dr Mengele: Better.
Dr Burke: Stronger.
Dr Hare: Faster.
Uncle Angel: Why not turn the first child into a cyborg like Ghost in the Shell?
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval. Uncle Angel sighs.]
Mrs Nobodie: Well, the thing is that not only is George not compatible with Felix…
Dr Blur: Sibling rivalry at such a tender age.
Mrs Nobodie: …but he’s also got his own problems.
Dr Blur [laughing mirthlessly]: So much for the heir and the spare parts. As I said at the time, there was no guarantee of a match.
Mr Nobodie: That’s why we’re back. We want to guarantee that the next baby will be a match.
Mrs Nobodie: You read about it in the paper all the time.
Dr Blur: Look, I’m sorry that the new child was unsuitable, but it would be possible to do what you’re proposing. I’d have to put it before the Hospital Ethics Committee. Deliberately manufacturing a baby for spare parts might raise a few eyebrows.
Mrs Nobodie: So might plastic surgery, but no one objects to that.
[Fade out.]
Scene ii.
Dr Crippen: …and then I sewed him up good as new.
Omnes: Ha ha!
Dr Crippen: Now, shall we get down to business? The first matter is Mr and Mrs N. According to the notes, their first child has a degenerative disease of the optic nerve. They had a second child in the hope that it’d be a match, but was not; and now they want a third specifically designed to be compatible with the first so that they use it to guarantee a cure for the first.
Dr Curie: A pox on ze ’ole ’ouse! Modern genetics are not what zey used to be. [She looks contemptuous.]
Dr Crippen: You may want to hear what Dr Blur has to say first. “Mr and Mrs N gain as they have not only a third child but their first child is restored to good health.”
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: “The first child gains, as they can receive treatment.”
Omnes [murmuring]: Treatment. Treatment.
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: “The new child gains as, even if they are initially used for what is, in effect, an involuntary medical procedure on behalf of their other sibling, and even indeed if they are obliged in their future life to repeat the donations, or even if they feel a ‘second best’ child, created not entirely for their own selves… even if all this is true, they will still gain as the alternative is that they will simply not exist.”
[The committee members look puzzled, but bang their kidney dishes in approval.]
Dr Crippen: As Dr Blur adds, “A baby that does not exist has no value, no happiness or interests. So the new baby must always be better off.”
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Mengele: Mit ein little tveaking, I sink Blur’s memo should be made hospital policy.
Dr Burke: Seconded!
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Dr Crippen: Uncle Angel, you’re looking puzzled.
Uncle Angel: Haven’t you overlooked one small fact? The new baby doesn’t even exist yet and is merely hypothetical. You’re assuming that any sort of existence must be better than non-existence; but just as a dead person is in no fit state to concern themselves with earthly matters, so no one who hasn’t yet been born is even aware of existence. Besides, for every successfully fertilised ovum, millions of sperm, all potential babies, pass into oblivion. By your reasoning, it would seem only fair that every one of them should’ve had the opportunity to take part in the creation of a life.
Dr Curie: But you ’ave forgotten all ze genetic defects of such irresponsible be’aviour. Dr Blur is proposing zat we create a genetically modified baby. Ze child will be very special.
Uncle Angel: Would you want to be special in that way?
Dr Curie: Well, no, but I am radioactive.
Dr Hare: And you’ve forgotten that the first child benefits.
Uncle Angel: No, not really. But unless the procedure involves non-invasive surgery, the new child would be constantly subject to operations which benefit it in no way whatsoever. And how to Mr and Mrs N gain by having a third child? The cost of the procedure to produce a designer baby, the operation to restore the eldest child’s sight, and the raising of children isn’t exactly cheap.
Dr Burke: But the hospital benefits. They win, we win.
Dr Mengele: Not to mention all ze academic papers, the conferences in exotic foreign locations, the prestige.
Dr Curie: Zat was a good film.
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval.]
Uncle Angel: And what about the second child which, I assume, was conceived by natural means? What sort of life will it have because it was a failed attempt to provide a cure for the first? I have to wonder to what extent we should interfere in natural processes. We know that the chance of a donor for the first child conceived and born naturally is slim, but shouldn’t these people accept that their first child will go blind, and though none of us would consider this desirable either for ourselves or for any children we might have, it’s natural.
Dr Crippen: We have the technology.
Dr Curie: We can rebuild ’im.
Dr Mengele: Better.
Dr Burke: Stronger.
Dr Hare: Faster.
Uncle Angel: Why not turn the first child into a cyborg like Ghost in the Shell?
[They all bang their kidney dishes on the table in approval. Uncle Angel sighs.]
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