Occasional Tales

Treasure hunt. Drive along the motorway. Do the speed zone? Or just drive through the cloverleaf junction? Who knows. I completed the task and found that I just about had 127,000 FPs. The weekly in the 2012 MB SLK AMG was unproblematic. I even managed to drift the car for the skill points in spite of it being RWD. Normally, I end up spinning out sooner or later in such cars. Only one Rivals event this month round Mulegé in the Porsche 911 GT3, a car which is all right stock. As I hurtled towards the DS in the MB AMG 45, I sensed that the car needed max. engine to complete the task. My instincts were right, and I had to rebuild the car. One-third good SWS. I wasn’t surprised when it took me three attempts to do the SZ in the 2015 Audi TT before crashing into a rock before the irony of the SWS, which included a 2010 Audi  TT RS. It also took three attempts to complete the DZ in the BMW 325i for which I got a two-thirds excellent SWS. Only one Eventlab this week. Shipyard Autocross B...

Ten wreckage skills in a GT car. I won treasure (alongside the Street Scene outpost) that I don’t need, being a few hundred FPs short of 125K of them. The mural for the photo is just south of the start of Cruce de Valle on the wall of the house. I knew it was round there somewhere from the previous occasion. The weekly in the Lexus RC F was mostly unremarkable. Bad launch in the street scene race in which I didn’t take the lead until the last couple of turns. PR stunts. The DS was tricky because I ended up with too much speed or angle. Rubbish SWS. The TB was vexatious because I know what to do, but haven’t done it in some time. Another rubbish SWS. I one-shotted the ST for more bloody rubbish. Eventlab (1). Mulegé Street Circuit . A variation on the usual circuit which – I probably said this last time – needs practice. Rubbish SWS. Eventlab (2). Aeroplane Graveyard Circuit . Really rally monsters round a cross country circuit. Not well constructed, with the first turn being about 5m ...

 Do a DS in the Caterham, they said, implying that you have to jump 500m. Perhaps I only needed to do a DS in the Caterham. I now have over 120,000 FPs. No issues with the weekly in the 1987 Pontiac Firebird. In an aside, there seems to be an epidemic of idiot players stopping in the middle of the road to block the AI traffic. That used to be an occasional thing in FH4, but I’ve barely ever seen it in FH5. It’s annoying. Stop doing it, you complete plonkers. I one-shotted the DZ and DS, and took a couple of goes to complete the TB (lack of practice, but I just don’t… What is it, Jenkins? … We’ll talk about Japan later . …ever do these things unless I’m required to). And how was I rewarded? Rubbish, rubbish, and more bloody rubbish. I took a photo of the Datsun in the stadium. I won a pair of lacy knickers. Now I’ll be the sexiest boy in Mexico. [ You silly, deluded old git . –ed.] Eventlab (1). Edel Circuit . DUBS’ favourite custom-built circuit. Pity it has to use that horrid road...

 The weekly was in the 2013 Shelby GT 500. I may have retuned one of the cars, but I’m sure the S2-class car was just there to do zoomies. Take the photo where the danger sign over the river is. Went to Playa Azul to check out the hot babes… [ I don’t think you’re allowed to say “hot babes” on the Internet these days . –ed.] I mean, crash into ice creams. I think the game miscounted again, and doesn’t always appear to register events done in quick succession. I did quite a bit of rewinding to complete the TB in my Hoonigan RS200. I know what to do, but as I don’t bother with such things, it’s always trial and error. The SWS was one-third very good. I knew the SZ would be a pain and it was a pain. Again, I know there’s a technique (which is drifting round the U-shaped section). The SWS was one-third good; the wheel spin afterwards when I went up a level was better. (Cries of “Shame!”) I PB’ed the ST on the bridge for a one-third good SWS. Eventlab (1). Sherwood Forest Raceway . This...

Treasure hunt. Trade paint in the VW Beetle, win a wonderful prize. Spend your winnings on, er… I did something different with the weekly challenge. First, I didn’t get the all-too-similar Challenger and Charger mixed up. Second, I did all the tasks in the stock car, which I wrapped in a wood vinyl since I never see anyone using them. I managed to one-shot the TB in the Rimac Concept 2, but suspected correctly that its phenomenal acceleration would compensate for any suboptimal driving. Rubbish SWS. Screw you, game. Took me a couple of goes to do the DZ. I was a little surprised because I thought my first attempt went quite well, whereas my second one had its moments of incompetence. A one-third very good SWS. I used the same car, the Hoonigan Mustang, for the DS and then swapped to the Jesko. PB’ed it, and an SWS that was one-third good and one-third very good. I dealt with the HA after that, fast travelling straight into the event. I discovered last night that I’d never driven the 20...

 I’d normally start the Festival playlist with the treasure hunt in case it’s still bugged, but I started with the weekly in the Senna instead. No issues apart from running into a live HA which I ignored to complete the rest of the tasks. For FH6, they need to add a pop-up which says “Join HA Y/N”, which allows players to opt out because the siting of such events is often a blasted nuisance (e.g. over a player house; right across the motorway; etc.) I also used the Senna to find the Festival site south of the stadium and deal with the daily, being the usual photo-at-the-Festival-site routine. I switched to my Range Rover SVR to deal with the collectibles that are supposed to be south of the stadium. The treasure hunt was merely a matter of doing an SZ in the Willys Jeep. I don’t know whether I was supposed to get at least one star, but the job was done and I got my treasure, which was close to the end of the airfield runway. For the first time in a while we had an Eventlab, Skyline...

 A slight delay this week because I was on my hols. I wasn’t going to take my laptop, but because the forecast was for inclement weather, I decided to take it just in case. As it turned out, the weather was the extreme opposite of inclement (which is what we had at home while I was absent). As it turned out, it was a good thing I took my laptop, but for other reasons, and at no time did I play any FH5, mainly because the built-in keyboard is rubbish. I thought that after a week of no FH5, I’d be all rubbish, but it seems not. The weekly was in the Lamborghini Centenario. Another straightforward set of tasks, including other tasks to be done on the Festival playlist such as the piccie at the FH3 festival site. I did the Horizon Tour in a stock (?), but presumably tuned Hoonigan Escort Cosworth, which had by far the lowest PI in my team. I started at the front round El Pípila , but couldn’t match the pace of the cars ahead of me, managing a 4th because the player ahead of me was in t...

The weekly in the 2014 Huracán ended up covering the daily (the visit to the vaguely located Festival site-of-the-week) and the scattered collectibles. I was expecting the novelty speed zones to be pains to do, but one-shotted both of them. Pyramid of the Moon took a couple of attempts as it usually does. One one-third very good SWS, and the other two were rubbish. I ended up ion B-class modern sports cars for Horizon Tour and chose the 2013 BRZ. I ought to have picked the BMW Z4 (older or newer) because the car launched like a slug that’s been nailed to the door of the garden shed. I started from the back round Emerald and came 3rd, but couldn’t catch the Z4s. Started on the front row for Horizon Mexico and came 3rd after overtaking a couple of less competent players, who insisted on sliding into turns. I was on the front row for Mulegé and came 2nd, partly because of a late overtake (again, I’ll beat ’em on corners every time) and partly, I believe, because someone missed a check...

I started with the weekly challenge in the 2013 Viper GTS. It was remarkable only for being unremarkable. I used the car to deal with the daily (visit the Festival outpost in Copper Canyon) and the photo challenge. I one-shotted the East Resort ST for a one-third excellent SWS. I one-shotted and PB’ed the Horizon Baja ST. The SWS included the Ferrari F50 GT, which I kept because I couldn’t recall how many I had. I’d forgotten that the answer to Pantano Pass is to do the run from the Mangrove Scramble . I also don’t have many Fords at the top of S1-class. I thought the Mach E might do the job, but in the end it was the Mustang RTR Spec 5. Rubbish SWS. Like last time, getting the collectibles was a matter of driving along Copper Canyon and smashing the boards. Rivals week again, but neither Lookout nor Mulegé was a problem. Eventlab (1). The Backroads . B700 Mitsubishi (i.e., every bloody modern rally seasonal ever). Marks off for night, rain, glare, a misplaced checkpoint, and irri...

How could I not two-star that sodding SZ with the Deberti Mustang in one go to complete the treasure hunt? I even came off both bridges. Bloody disgraceful. I now have 110,000FPs. How? I haven’t done 2,000FPs of graft since last week. The weekly was in the MB 190E, which is not a car I especially like at the best of time in comparison with its near contemporaries. I repainted it in a garish green and slapped a stripe in the colours of the German flag on it. This had nothing to do with the weekly, but the car is rather drab. The PR stunts were the International Scout with the annoying engine swap to ruin the handling to complete the tasks. I one-shotted the SZ and the ST, but had to do the engine swap for the DS. Eventlab (1). Lighthouse National Circuit . Marks off for making me waste time going to Eventlab Island. Why can’t we just drive over a bridge to the island? The layout needs to be doubled in size, and the checkpoints kept winking into existence as I went round the circuit. The...

No treasure hunt, but I combined the collectibles with the daily. I took a picture. I got an orange suit. Gods, I feel so sexy that my underpants have melted. No, wait, that’s the effects of the heatwave. The weekly challenge was in the 2010 Nissan 370Z. Fortunately, I had a new one, which I could build to complete the first event. I did the drift zone challenge in two goes, probably using the same car I used the last time. I used another Street Scene race for Rivals. My opponent had a dirty time, which mean I didn’t have to win to get the job done. My 1997 BMW M3 was still the same car from the last time I had to use it for the PT stunts. The ST is easily doable from the west even in a car that’s mostly stock. The SWS was one-third good and one-third very good. I managed to one-shot the SZ even though I crashed through the armco. One-third very good SWS. The DZ was a pain because I cannot drift for sustained distances in RWD cars. I was rubbish. The SWS was rubbish. Eventlab (1). Plyn...

I had to make the Nevera go fast along the runway to complete the treasure hunt. No idea how many FPs I now have, and I certainly have nothing to spend them on. The weekly was a pain because of the Showoff skill. I have no idea what one of these is. If I did know, I’d be unable to consciously do one. I did a plenitude of races before I finally got one in Vista del Mar, although at what point this happened, I have no idea. I one-shotted the DS for a one-third very good SWS. I one-shotted the ST for an SWS that was beyond excellent, but I don’t actually need another Sesto Elemento. I also one-shotted the SZ for an SWS that was one-third good and one-third very good. The photo is of the painting on the side of the player house in Playa Azul. Eventlab (1). Sunset Palms Raceway . Points off for Eventlab Island, another excellent advertisement for incorporating such places into the main map instead of forcing players to load a new map in. Good use of props. Marks on for daylight, and a tick ...

Finally daylight returns after a month of unnecessary darkness. I did manage to do last week’s treasure hunt when a wreckage skills HA eventually appeared. I noticed this morning that I had 104K FPs, having acquired 2,000 more from the gods alone know where. Oh well, I suppose it’s Forza counting again. I randomly completed the treasure hunt in the Holden Torana by driving over bumpy bits of Mexico. The weekly was in the Honda S2000CR which, I think, was still set up from the last time this weekly came up. I switched it back to RWD until the final task when I had to swap it to RWD or be doomed to end up spinning round in circles. I one-shotted the first ST for a rubbish SWS. I then one-shotted the second ST for a one-third good SWS. The SZ took me a couple of attempts as ever, but the SWS was one-third good and one-third very good. Rivals week again, but four events, not two. Eventlab (1). Mink Creek Circuit . Good use of props to emulate natural terrain. Layout is all right, albeit a ...

I haven’t managed to do the treasure hunt because that’s dependent on the right sort of treasure hunt (i.e., wreckage skills) turning up. I’ll get it done in due course. I’ll be glad to see the back of this series and the interminable night and night-time races. The weekly challenge was in the 2012 Nissan GT-R. What did we have to do? A Street Scene race. Scream! I smashed (literally in the game) three STs. I had to check to see whether I’d completed the challenge because I got no notification of it. I’m not even certain whether I had to callously mow down one camera or both. I one-shotted the ST, but had to redo the DS because the car went tail down. I one-shotted the SZ in the Brabham. A single one-third good SWS and the other two were rubbish. Eventlab (1). Ejime Race Track . Another bloody night race. The lights are guides rather than a source of illumination. The track is mostly all right, but I wasn’t impressed by the excessively tight hairpin. It’s the sort of circuit that’s pro...

The treasure hunt was doing Basejump in an Aston Martin. This DS is painful because the target is a smidge to the left, which meant failing the jump because I was either landing on rocks or failing the jump by landing to the left on, er, something. I tried the Valkyrie and the Valhalla, but completed the task in the Vantage since the game seemed not to like the other two cars. All this for 300FPs. I must be very close to passing 100,000FPs. From the weekly challenge I find I have five 2020 Mustang Shelby GT500s. I have no idea how I come to be in this position. The ultimate burnout was annoying because the car kept sliding off the road. I painted the car, but as I’d done that previously, wasn’t wasting a slot. I zipped down the motorway and completed another weekly challenge. I PB’ed the DS, but it took several attempts because of annoying obstacles. One-third good SWS. I managed to one-shot the SZ in the MB CLK GTR. Phew! That’s an SZ that can be a massive pain i’ th’ posterior. No, ...

The title of the weekly challenge is Corvette Racing . “Drive the 2015 Camaro,” it says. Ah, that must be how the Americans pronounce “Corvette”. That wasn’t the only oddity because when I did the speed trap task, I used the ST that was also one of this week’s PR stunts. The game ought to have been giving me irate messages such as “Wrong car, you utter arse!” But it seemed not to mind that I wasn’t in an S2-class car. I also used the Camaro Z28 for the photo. The tank is on the wall to the left on the wiggly street as you look towards the statue up the hill. I did the collectibles as well, but had an HA to contend with. There’s no need to try and hit the cubes in awkward places unless you’re being a try-hard. I think I said this last time we did this. PR stunts. The DS took a couple of goes, but I managed to PB it on the second attempt, and the SWS was one-third very good. I one-shotted the ST, but there was some rewinding because of annoying traffic. On-third good SWS. I also one-shot...

I drifted down Costa Este for the treasure hunt and still managed over 800,000 points in spite of my lack of practise. I can’t even recall what the treasure was, but suspect that 100,000FPs are not far away. Nothing much to report about the weekly. I did Marigold for the race, my usual speed zone, and easily hit the speed target. I one-shotted the DS for a two-thirds good SWS. I PB’ed the ST on the bridge outside Mulegé for another two-thirds good SWS. Took me a couple of attempts to do the SZ because I was too tentative on my first try. The SWS was one-third good. Eventlab (1). Parametric . Props – full marks. Road surface – pah! Track layout – fine. Choice of cars – inappropriate. Nighttime – all marks deducted for annoying me. Eventlab (2). Miami Vice Riverside Drive . I went with the Ferrari Challenge Stradale for this one. Props were all right, the layout was fine (but say it in an ironic tone of voice). Nighttime – sodding irritating again. The SWS was one-third good. The Trial...

I probably haven’t driven the Meyers Manx since the last time we were forced to drive this thing. In the Baja California race, it was completely outclassed by the Delorean and the VW Thing (which introduced this week’s theme – drivatars cheating in dirt races). As I’ve said before, this is the sort of car that’s driven by pretty blonde girls in tampon adverts. For this week’s DZ, it immediately became apparent that you’re supposed to use one of the Hoonigan clown cars. Rubbish SWS. I’m OK with the TB, La Marisma , even if I don’t ever do it. I’m not OK when I get bounced into a tree, but my Renault 5 Turbo was the right car for the job. The game being the veriest model of generosity gave me yet another crappy SWS. Eventlab. Guanajuato Race Track . One lap would’ve been enough of this combination of Panorámica and Cathedral . Good use of props. Baja Mil was the most annoying thing since the last time it was the most annoying thing. I’m sure I repeated myself by starting in the Desert...

The treasure hunt was to do the TB that ends in Las Ranas (sp? where the start of the Eliminator is). It took several goes because I haven’t attempted this TB in ages. I know there’s a path through the trees that makes the sharp left-hander less painful, but I’ve forgotten where it is. I eventually managed to three-star it, but not in a way that might attract the adjective “competent”. The weekly was in the Vūhl. I had to switch to my S2-class Vūhl for the DS. I one-shotted the DS of a one-third excellent SWS. The SZ was once again a massive pain, although it took me fewer tries to complete it than it did previously and the SWS was one-third very good. Eventlab (1). The Sierra Annual River Run was a solo jaunt in unlimited off-roaders. It wasn’t a bad idea, but the wriggly first sector was irritating as was the declaration “The crowd grows wild” when it ought to be “The crowd goes wild”. And that got me my fourth FE MB CLK GTR. Eventlab (2). Holiday Dash was a decent, intermediate-l...

No treasure hunt this week, which meant straight on with the weekly in the 2017 Ford F-150 Raptor. The biggest bother this week was having to amass 500,000 skill points. The only fortunately here was the random arrival of a skill song on the radio. This was a week of very painful PR stunts. The ST (speed trap) was the same as the one we did last week or the week before. In spite of my Mitsubishi Evos apparently having the speed, they were way short of the target. The answer was the Eclipse, which you could equip with off-road race tyres. However, that all took about 20 minutes and thoroughly annoyed me because I wish we’d be told which car could actually achieve the target. The reward this time was a car. I one-shotted the SZ (speed zone) in the Porsche Macan for a one-third good SWS. I knew the TB (trailblazer) was going to be a massive pain i’ th’ arse and it was. Almost every run I did was a second short. I’d forgotten that the car to use was the VB Beetle and must’ve spent the bett...

I’ve spent much of today trying the Nissan Retro Rides Car Pack, and the cars which Horizon Realms has unlocked. Nissan Retro Rides They’re mostly the same. Same stock tuning – 1/9 (see me after class), the same perks, including the 150% XP racing bonus (probably to entice players to drive them), and whole range of engine swaps. I built all of them in much the same way and raced them round 5 laps of the Stadium Track . 1991 Nissan Figaro. Built to B class. 04:25.359 with a best lap of 00:50.594, which shows just how short this track is if I can lap it in this time in a FWD car. 1989 Nissan Pao. The camshaft boosted this into A class. Overall time, 04:16.551, which was 15 seconds faster than the drivatars. My fastest lap was 00:49.749. 1989 Nissan S-Cargo (escargot – geddit?). In this first race, this blasted into the lead. Another car I built into low A class. Very nose-heavy. Race time of 04:15.505 which was 21 seconds ahead of the drivatars probably because by now I had the measure o...

This week’s treasure hunt was… but first a word from our sponsors, Horizon Realms – playpen opportunities to annoy you to a greater or lesser extent. All your favourite Evolving Worlds™ are packed inside minuscule spaces with maximum opportunities to lose skill chains. Horizon Realms, coming to a PC, xbox, PS5 (delete as applicable) near you. What was I talking about? Oh, the treasure hunt. Do some jumps in the Pontiac Firebird. The weekly was the return of the 1983 VW Golf GTi. It had to include a Street Scene race, and the Street Scene race had to include the inappropriate Porsche Rallye (pronounced “Dakar”). Yes, I won, but that Porsche Dakar… sorry, Rallye, has a tendency to pop up in all the wrong places and being one of those cars that the drivatars make you hate (e.g., the Supervan 3 in FH4) even though it’s quite good. (Aside: I don’t think the Porsche Rallye [Dakar? –ed.] is that good, being too overpowered and too underhandling.) I somehow managed to knock out an ultimate ski...

The game was much less kind this week, and I actually had to do something to complete the treasure hunt. The weekly challenge was in the Hoonigan F-150, which has the advantage of being AWD. Of course, some wit at PGG had to include the Volcán Sprint , although apart from the wiggly bit (I was too fast into it), I managed not to make a fool of myself. That got me another Sierra 700R as well. Woohoo! Shopping trolleys for everyone. Time for the PR stunts. One-shotted the danger sign for a one-third good SWS. One-shotted and PB’ed the speed trap for a rubbish SWS (isn’t that always the way?) No, wait, there’s more. Went up a level and got a better wheel spin. I managed to one-shot the drift zone for another rubbish SWS. Eventlab (1), Crop Circle Stadium Rally . Points on for props. Points off for placement of props because the intermittent tyre bundles were a potential nuisance. Points off for overpowered cars on a go-kart track. Points on for this being limited to two laps. Eventlab (2)...

The treasure hunt. The tile suggested that I should jump a particular distance across some river. I got in my FE Puma, left my house, and my job was done. Perhaps like London, there’s a buried river beneath Mulegé. This is not the first time I’ve completed a treasure hunt without actually doing it. There was another one which also involved a jump. I bounced over a low rise, I certainly hadn’t done the required distance, but had somehow completed the task. The weekly challenge was in the Hoonigan Ford Focus Gymkhana 10. I retuned the car for road racing because one of the tasks was Tunnel Run , which didn’t really help. I’ve been trying some of the Hoonigan clown cars (let’s call ’em what they are) with the turbo rally engine instead, which seems to help. I knew the danger sign into the stadium would be annoying because although I landed the car without it flipping, it appears you had to land on the wheels; and when I did complete the task, I PB’ed it to be applauded with a rubbish SWS....

I thought we had another faulty weekly because the light-grey Hoonigan Mustang didn’t initially trigger the event. I did Highland Climb for the Street Scene race, but with care and got a pathetic wheel spin afterwards. That took me to a spot just outside Guanajuato, where I quickly found a taco cart to smash, and the drifting after that was no problem. I one-shotted the drift zone in the Hoonicorn while I was doing the weekly. A pitiful exhibition of drifting, but it worked. I PB’ed the speed trap the other day when I was practising, but this took me a couple of attempts in my low S2-class International Scout. One-third good SWS. One-shotted the danger sign for a lame SWS. Thanks, game. Eventlab (1). Cordillera Lapras . I liked this as an intermediate-length scramble. Went with the Escort RS1600. Eventlab (2) Mangrove Rallycross . Night – no. Layout – ugh. Props – good unless there were awkward jumps ahead of corners. Another pathetic SWS. One-shotted the HW PR stunt in the Jesko (obv...

I had to switch to the Fiat Abarth 131 to complete the treasure hunt. The Desert Flyer was too underpowered to fling about the place. The weekly passed through my life without leaving a scar. I did the air skills by going back and forth over the same ridge not far from the main festival site. One-shotted the danger sign (one-third good SWS), but the speed zone took a couple of attempts in that FE Nissan. Another one-third good SWS. I PB’ed the Trailblazer (which we only did last week or sometime recently) by doing the usual thing of an oblique entry to follow the road rather than barge my way ineptly through the trees. The SWS ended up being one-third very good and one-third excellent. Eventlab (1). Don Joe Won Song’s Utopia Gardens Recension . Top-quality use of props, but I did exactly what I did the last time, crashing into the barrier in the beach section (twice) because of the lack of any visual indicators as to the route. Eventlab (2) was Castillo Scramble . Judicious use of prop...